Weaving our life tapestries

why this trip and why now?

I’m shifting to a totally different topic to share more about this moment in time, what led to it, and what promise this holds for me. When you’re driving alone for six, ten, twelve hours, there’s a lot of time to reflect and I’ve loved that part of this trip, and looking forward to more of that.

When I was a young, fun-loving West Seattleite, I had no idea how my life would evolve. And I was immature enough to not really spend much time thinking about it. Some of you probably remember, I was just looking for the next fun thing to do.

Many things happened over the years that took me by surprise, some good, some bad. And I wouldn’t trade any of it for what I’ve learned, experienced, prioritized and gained.

And once I got my s*&t together, I spent a lot of time thinking about what’s next. Defining my own priorities, goals, limits, healthy boundaries. And on a micro level, my next meeting, work day, family activity, vacation, whatever. And planning is a good thing, right? There’s interesting research about how anticipating a vacation actually provides more enjoyment than the vacation itself.

And yet, sometimes if we’re too busy planning, we miss what is right in front of us.

There are times when we are forced to stop planning, assess the immediate and think about what really matters.

Through both tragedy and luck I was given the gift to do that. I have learned a lesson about not missing the immediate and to pay attention to what I want to do.

My tragedy was losing Steven. He was a great man.

Before Steven died, we envisioned our future together, talked about possibilities, made plans. But that all disappeared when he died. All of a sudden, my future was a blank page. Where do you start with that?

One day a couple months before he died, we were sitting in the doctor’s office and both girls happened to be with us. Claire had taken a semester off during her junior year of college. Note, she still graduated on time, and summa, the little over-achiever! And Jess had come to help out and was working remotely, taking care of Varden, who was also with us, and supporting the family every way she could. If you’ve been a caregiver, you know what a gift that was to me.

At one point during that doctors visit, while discussing options, treatments and such, Jess turned to Steven and asked him what he wanted. He completely shifted the conversation and said,

“I want my family to flourish.”

That was his gift to us and will forever be our charge.

As a family, we learned we can navigate difficult times, never quit learning and flourish in the current moment. Through that painful experience our family bonds strengthened more than we ever knew they could. Then we survived the pandemic and have come out the other side, stronger and more sensitive to the reality that there is no promise of tomorrow. And we choose to cherish each other and our experience in new ways.

So now is my time to fill in that blank page that is staring me in the face. Savoring the moment I am in, planning what’s next and flourishing while doing so.

This is where luck comes in. We didn’t plan for this scenario. But we were able to make choices to ensure we saved for our retirement and buy life insurance, not thinking we would ever need it. That is why I am able to do this.

Before Steven and I married I had been a single parent for 8 years, had no retirement, still no college degree and I faced a few other obstacles that some of you know about. But that changed over time. Partly through hard work. Partly through opportunity that many people don’t have access to. Partly through luck.

Now, although not wealthy (what does that even mean today?) I have the safety and security to be able to do this. And I am so very grateful for this moment to live my life in a way I never would have imagined. Many people don’t have equitable opportunities to get ahead, build assets and create a future that allows them this freedom, so I will never take it for granted.

In the month since I drove away from my home in Evanston (deeply grateful to Betty for taking such good care of it) I have relished the places, the people, the learnings. I feel more hopeful than I have felt the past few years. Well, maybe not for the whole world, it’s a mess. But for the individuals I meet and the communities filled with good people just trying to live a good life.

It is re-energizing to experience this. And although I’m loving the family time and the beautiful grandkids, I’m antsy to get back on the road.

This adventure, not unlike the one I took when I was 22, is about learning and defining, so I can create that outline. My life has been filled with several contrasting, reinventing chapters, some wonderful, some difficult. Like Jimmy Buffet says, “some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic, but I had a good life on the way.”

I’m excited to see what the next chapter holds.

Also I have lots more to say about music which I’ll save for future posts. But first I’ll end with this. The first album I owned was Tapestry by Carole King, and I can still sing every word. Despite the fact that there’s no promise of tomorrow, I’m not done and I am eager to identify and weave in the colors, the edges, the unfinished strands that will result in my very own life’s tapestry.

Thanks for joining me in this. You all matter to me. And I want to keep learning from you.

a preview of what’s to come

Larch trees and more